How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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