i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
