Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Terrible idea I love it
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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