dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
