my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
