new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
