I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
me + whiskey = a bad person
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
