right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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