Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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