i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
