I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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