I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
