The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
