Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
