Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
