i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
be right there i have to get my cape
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
