if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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