he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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