just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
