Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
