What a fucking waste of an outfit
Can Purell be used as lube?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
