They should really pass out barf bags in church
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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