I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
