I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
