If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
