Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Be still, my beating vagina.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
