In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
BRING THE BAGELS
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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