i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
