considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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