And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
