I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
