my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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