life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
