I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
