There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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