i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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