I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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