You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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