i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
