I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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