Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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