If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
