Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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