your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
