So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
