i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
