I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
