Duck Duck Cougar?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
