They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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