Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
