I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
