defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
