True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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